I’m never happy for people unless I’m just as happy, or happier.
We broke up. I know that feel bro.
I’m over her. I’m glad.
Losing gracefully is so admirable. I’m pretty good at faking it, but I’m always jealous. In elementary school, there was this kid we all knew who died, and I was always so jealous of his closest friend. I mean, I’d never want my best friend to die, but fuck him for getting any attention for it.
I met a girl! I hope she sucks!
She sucks! God dammit.
Everything is a competition in life. It isn’t supposed to be, and we don’t acknowledge it, but it always fucking is. Like when you break up, it’s about who can look the happiest. It’s all in your head, and nobody wins (I did, for the record) but it still affects us. They say that other people’s success doesn’t equal your failure, but I’d be lying if I said other people’s failure doesn’t feel good. Especially since she totally deserves it.
She’s pregnant! Thank god, now we can be friends again.
3 weeks agoMay 6, 2012 Reblog
“I am a strong black man.”
“Ma’am, the elliptical trainers are only for guests of the hotel.”
“I am a strong black man.”
“Can you at least put your clothes back on? We’re starting breakfast in ten minutes.”
“I am a strong black man.”
“I’m calling security.”
…
“This might be the acid talking, but I love acid.”
3 weeks agoMay 5, 2012 Reblog
Anonymous
Are you me?
I ask yourself that question every day
3 weeks agoMay 4, 2012 Reblog
I’m amazed every time I finish a sentence. Every time I open my mouth I’m taking a gigantic leap of ignorance, yet, miraculously, I sometimes don’t land on my face some of the times. I mean, put a mic in my hand and I’ll talk like Dr. Steve Brule, but it’s crazy that even with my social anxiety, I can somehow maintain a conversation with someone without even rehearsing my lines first.
My life is like one long improvisation performance, except I’m permanently playing the role of “biggest loser dickhead in the universe #2”
2 months agoMarch 24, 2012 Reblog
“Fuckin’, fuck cops, bro! Like, I was just fuckin’ standing here, like, you have nothing better to do? Are you fucked? Man, like, he needed a warrant for that right? I’m gunna fucking call the cops and get him fired. I swear, like, they book me ‘nuff times, bro.”
“Maybe ‘cause you’re wearing a sweatshirt that says ‘Kush Diet.’”
“Nah bro, they’re out to get me.”
2 months agoMarch 17, 2012 Reblog
RICHARD
Aren’t there bears in this forest?
PETE
Just squirrels and bums.
KEVIN
There are no bears in the suburbs, Dick.
RICHARD
How do you know?
KEVIN
‘Cause I don’t have Down’s Syndrome.
RICHARD
I don’t have Down’s Syndrome, my eyes swell up ‘cause of my allergies!
PETE
Wait up, I’m gunna piss.
KEVIN and RICHARD come to a stop as PETE steps off the path into the brush.
KEVIN
What are you allergic to, being a faggot?
RICHARD
Man, it isn’t fair that people who are physically strong get to say whatever they want and not get beat up.
PETE
Steve could beat him up!
KEVIN
Yeah so what, he’s bigger than me, that isn’t all there is to a fight. You gotta be scrappy, have two older brothers. He’d never mess with me anyway, if he even scratched his face his slut girlfriend would dump him so fast.
As KEVIN barks at RICHARD, PETE notices something next to his hot stream of piss. He kicks the leaves out of the way, revealing a zip lock bag containing a wad of money. Without even finishing his pee, he leans over and grabs the bag.
PETE
Holy shit.
RICHARD
I broke his hand with my face once.
KEVIN
Congratulations. Hey Pete how long is this piss?
They look over at PETE, who becomes flustered and stuffs the bag into his pants.
PETE
Yeah, sorry, I’m coming.
PETE hurriedly does up his pants and stumbles back to them.
RICHARD
What is it?
PETE
Nah, I’m fine. Let’s go.
KEVIN
Uh, no. What do you have?
PETE
What do I have?
KEVIN
Just show me, I’m a better liar than you.
PETE sighs and pulls out the bag. KEVIN snatches it out of his hands.
KEVIN
Holy shit, was this just sitting over there? There’s a couple hundred bucks in here!
RICHARD
What are we gunna do? Give it back?
KEVIN
To who, the fucking tree?
PETE
Give it here, we’ll split it up.
KEVIN
Ha, yeah, go fuck yourself.
PETE
Fuck you, I found it!
KEVIN
Eat a dick.
RICHARD
Ah, are my ears burning? Haha, I’m just playing around.
PETE
Come on, don’t be a… wiener, dude!
KEVIN
Get bent. Later, faggot!
RICHARD
Bye, Kevin.
KEVIN walks away, smugging like an asshole.
PETE
Sorry I let him hang out with us, his brother buys me beer so I felt like I had to.
Beat.
RICHARD
I’m not actually gay you know.
PETE
I don’t care.
2 months agoMarch 15, 2012 Reblog
“Please hand in your assignment, Daniel.”
“Can I hand it in tomorrow?”
“May I - and no, it isn’t due tomorrow, it’s due today.”
“Yeah, but can I hand it in tomorrow anyway?”
“No, the deadline is today.”
“Yeah I get that, but can I just hand it in tomorrow and get marks off?”
“I asked you to do it for today.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t finish it, so I need an extra day.”
“You know, Daniel, if this were University then I would have just failed you.”
“Well, it’s not.”
“So why didn’t you finish it?”
“I don’t know.”
“You had two weeks.”
“But I didn’t work on it during either of those weeks.”
“And why didn’t you?”
“Because I forgot.”
“You forgot.”
“That’s what happened.”
“And each time I reminded the class about it, you forgot those times too?”
“Yes. I have the memory of a goldfish.”
“Why didn’t you write it in your agenda to remind you?”
“‘Cause I don’t have one.”
“Daniel, every student was given an agenda at the beginning of the year.”
“Yeah, I don’t know, I lost it or something. Look, Miss, I could have just said I forgot the assignment at home, but I didn’t.”
“I’m just finding it hard to believe that you forgot about the assignment entirely.”
“Well obviously I didn’t, Miss! That would be stupid!”
“Yes, it would. So why didn’t you do it?”
“Because I didn’t want to! Obviously! I don’t care about this class! It doesn’t matter! … I’m sure it matters!”
“I’d like to think so.”
“You wouldn’t be giving me crap about this if this wasn’t the one assignment everyone else decided to do. It’s not like I’m not the worst student in this class.”
“Well, Daniel, you kinda are.”
…
“Then whatever, who cares.”
“You don’t care?”
“No, what gave it away?”
“I don’t like your tone.”
“Well, sorry but you’re like interrogating me here!”
“Daniel, I’m not interrogating you, I’m just trying to help you.”
“Fine, then you helped me.”
“Habits that you develop now will stick with you for the rest of your life. You showed me at the beginning of the year that you’re capable of writing excellent essays, but that isn’t an excuse to stop trying.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“What are your aspirations?”
“I don’t have any.”
“What do you want to do when you’re out of school?”
“Kill myself.”
“Daniel, don’t make me the bad guy.”
“I’m not. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Everyone has trouble getting motivated sometimes.”
“I was never motivated!”
“But you have so much potential!”
“Jesus Christ, Miss! This isn’t Dead Poets Society! What do you want from me!? This is applied English, did you expect me to be busting my ass? I don’t have any aspirations yet. I’m too young, I don’t know. I’m not gunna kill myself or anything, and I’m gunna pass this class, I just have no idea what I’m gunna do with my life. Okay? So if you’re done not listening to me then can I please be excused to go eat lunch with a bunch of people I don’t like? ‘Cause, newsflash: school fucking sucks. … I’m sorry for yelling.”
…
“Okay, Daniel, I’m sorry. I understand. I won’t bother you anymore, don’t worry. Just hand in the assignment tomorrow.”
“Alright. I will.”
“Bye.”
“Fine. See you tomorrow.”
2 months agoMarch 4, 2012 Reblog
Anonymous
I just found your blog and I think I love you. I don't actually, its just "refreshing" to find a tumblr worth viewing.
That means a lot considering how much willpower it takes me on a regular basis to not give up on creating content and just start reblogging out of context screencaps from The Simpsons instead.
Totally writing something now.
2 months agoMarch 4, 2012 Reblog
“Oh man! I totally just remembered something I was gunna tell you.”
“What?”
“Well like an hour ago I was full-on puking my pants outside, and Nick’s older brother was there smoking, but he wasn’t wearing a shirt, and on his chest he had this huge swastika! Like, right on his chest! It was huge, like fucking American History X, like the one he has. And he was just standing there like whatever, like he didn’t even have it or something. I dunno, I guess I never realized he was racist ‘cause he has long, gay hair.”
“Are you sure it wasn’t just marker?”
“Ohhh, it might have been.”
“Wait! You were throwing up!? We’ve been making out for like half an hour you stupid fuck!”
“Ah! No! I’m sorry! I forgot! I’ve never really smoked pot before!”
“Ugh! Just get out!”
“I’m sorry! I think you’re really pretty!”
“Shut the door!”
“Okay, no problem! Let me know when you’re done though ‘cause I gotta poo!”
4 months agoJanuary 30, 2012 Reblog
